How Long Should Christian Courtship Last?

We have all seen the two extremes in our church communities. First, there is the couple that meets at the fall retreat, starts courting in October, and sends out wedding invitations by Christmas. Then, there is the couple that has been “talking” and “praying about it” for four years with no ring in sight. This confusion leads many singles to ask the same pressing question: how long should Christian courtship last?

As someone who has spent two decades working in Christian media and counseling, I have watched thousands of relationships unfold. I have seen short courtships end in beautiful, marriages, and I have seen long, drawn-out dating periods end in heartbreak and compromise. The confusion is understandable because we live in a culture that says, “test drive the car for years,” while our spirit knows we are called to purity and purpose.

In this publication, I want to cut through the cultural noise and look strictly at the Word of God. While you won’t find a verse that says “thou shalt date for exactly eleven months,” Scripture provides clear insights, discernment, and preparation. If you are wondering how long should Christian courtship last, the answer is not found on a calendar, but in the peace of God and the confirmation of your community.

What is the Biblical Purpose of Courtship?

To answer the question of how long should Christian courtship last, we must first define what courtship actually is. In the modern world, “dating” is often treated as a recreational activity – a hobby to pass the time and alleviate loneliness. In the Bible, however, relationships between men and women were always teleological – meaning they had a specific end goal in mind.

Biblical courtship is dating with a purpose. It is an “interview for a covenant.” In Amos 3:3, the prophet asks, “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” The purpose of courtship is to find that agreement. It is a time of discovery to see if you and your partner are equally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14) and if you can fulfill the mission of marriage together.

Because the goal is marriage – a permanent covenant before God (Malachi 2:14) – the timeline of the courtship should only be as long as it takes to answer the question: “Is this the person God has for me?”

Once that question is answered with a confident “Yes,” prolonging the courtship often serves no spiritual purpose. Conversely, if the answer is “No” or “I don’t know,” dragging the relationship out for years is unfair to both parties. Therefore, when asking how long should Christian courtship last, realize that the duration is tied to the mission. If the mission of vetting the person is complete, the season of courtship should end, and the season of engagement should begin.

Does the Bible Set a Specific Time Limit?

I am often asked by young believers if there is a “rule” in the Bible regarding timelines. The honest answer is no. The Bible does not give a specific number of days or months. However, it gives us examples that span a wide spectrum, proving that how long should Christian courtship last depends on the specific circumstances of the couple.

Consider Isaac and Rebekah in Genesis 24. This is an example of a very rapid timeline. God’s providence was so clear, and the families were so aligned, that they moved to marriage almost immediately. There was no six-month “getting to know you” phase. They trusted the character of the families involved and the leading of the Lord.

On the other hand, we have the story of Jacob and Rachel in Genesis 29. Jacob served seven years for Rachel, “and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her.” However, we must be careful here. Jacob didn’t wait seven years because he was indecisive; he waited because he had to pay a dowry (labor) to her father, Laban. He was prepared to marry her immediately, but external circumstances forced a delay.

So, how long should Christian courtship last according to these principles? It should last long enough to ensure you are not being foolish (Proverbs 19:2), but short enough to avoid falling into sin. The Apostle Paul gives a practical warning in 1 Corinthians 7:9: “But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.”

If you know this is the person you want to marry, and you are financially and spiritually ready, delaying marriage purely for the sake of “tradition” or “fear” can open the door to unnecessary temptation.

The 5 Stages of a Healthy Christian Courtship

If we cannot rely on a set number of days, we must rely on a set of stages. In my experience mentoring couples, I have found that a healthy relationship progresses through five specific stages. How long should Christian courtship last? It should last exactly as long as it takes to navigate these five steps with integrity.

1. Friendship and Observation

Before you ever enter a formal courtship, you should observe the person in a community setting. Jesus tells us in Matthew 7:16, “Ye shall know them by their fruits.” It takes time to see fruit.

• Case Study: I remember a young man, David, who was interested in a girl at his church. He spent three months just observing how she treated her parents and how she served in the nursery. By the time he asked her to court, he already knew her character. This observation phase shortened the actual courtship because the vetting had already begun.

2. Intentional Initiation (The DTR)

This is the “Define the Relationship” moment. The man should take the lead here, stating clearly that he is interested in pursuing marriage, not just hanging out. This clarity eliminates confusion.

3. Vetting and Discovery

This is the “meat” of the courtship. This involves asking the hard questions. Do you agree on theology? How do you view money and debt? How many children do you want? What is your view on discipline?

• Real-World Example: I counseled a couple, Sarah and Mark. They loved each other but avoided talking about finances. Six months in, they discovered Mark had $80,000 in consumer debt, while Sarah believed debt was a sin. They had to pause the courtship to seek financial counseling. If they had asked this in month one, they would have saved time.

4. Counsel and Confirmation

Proverbs 11:14 tells us, “Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.” You must bring mentors, pastors, and parents into the relationship. Do they see what you see? If your pastor and your parents both have a “check” in their spirit, you need to pause.

5. Engagement

Once the vetting is done and the counsel is positive, you move to engagement. The courtship is over.

When people ask how long should Christian courtship last, I tell them: It lasts until you have successfully cleared Stage 4. For some, that is six months. For others, it is 18 months.

Factors That Influence How Long Should Christian Courtship Last

There is no “one size fits all” answer to how long should Christian courtship last because every couple starts from a different baseline. Through my years in publishing and ministry, I have identified three major variables that will naturally shorten or lengthen your timeline.

Age and Maturity

A couple in their mid-30s who are established in their careers and their faith often move much faster than a couple in their early 20s. Why? Because they know who they are. They have less “growing up” to do. I have seen godly couples in their 40s meet and marry within six months with great success because they had the wisdom to discern quickly. Conversely, university students often need a longer courtship simply because they are still maturing into adulthood.

Long-Distance Relationships

Distance complicates the timeline. You cannot truly know someone just through FaceTime and texts. You need to see them when they are tired, stuck in traffic, or dealing with a rude waiter.

• Case Study: James and Chloe lived in different states. They courted for two years—much longer than average. However, they only saw each other once a month. They needed that extra time to accumulate enough face-to-face hours to feel confident. In their case, answering how long should Christian courtship last meant calculating visits, not months.

Financial Stability

Scripture is clear in 1 Timothy 5:8 that a man who provides not for his own house is worse than an infidel. A man must be ready to assume the responsibility of a household. Sometimes, a courtship lasts longer simply because the couple is waiting to be financially independent of their parents.

Red Flags: Why You Should Not Prolong a Dead End

One of the biggest mistakes Christians make is dragging out a relationship that God has already rejected. We often keep dating because we are afraid of hurting the other person, or we are hoping they will change.

If you are wondering how long should Christian courtship last when you are unsure about the person, consider these red flags. If you see these, the courtship shouldn’t last another day.

1. The “Unequally Yoked” Trap If you are dating someone who does not share your devotion to Jesus Christ, you are violating 2 Corinthians 6:14. I have seen many people extend a courtship for two years, hoping their partner will “get serious” about God. This is “missionary dating,” and it is dangerous. Do not marry potential; marry reality.
2. A Lack of Peace God is not the author of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33). If you have been courting for a year and you still feel a constant knot of anxiety in your stomach, pay attention. The Holy Spirit often guides us through a lack of peace. If you have prayed, fasted, and sought counsel, and the anxiety remains, it is time to end it.
3. Character Flaws and Anger Proverbs 22:24 says, “Make no friendship with an angry man.” If your partner displays unrepentant anger, controlling behavior, or a lack of integrity, time will not fix them. Marriage acts like a pressure cooker – it makes people more of what they already are, not less.

In these cases, the answer to how long should Christian courtship last is simple: it ends now.

Conclusion

So, how long should Christian courtship last? It should last until you have peace, purity, and a plan.

For some, God’s writing on the wall is clear and immediate. For others, the story takes time to unfold. Do not compare your timeline to the couple in the pew next to you. Compare your relationship to the Word of God. Are you pursuing holiness? Are you seeking wisdom? Are you honoring God with your bodies and your hearts?

If you are currently in a season of waiting, remember Ecclesiastes 3:1, “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” Trust the Author of your story more than the clock on the wall.

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Frequently Asked Questions

As we look at the emails I receive, these are the most common questions related to our topic.

Is 3 months too short for Christian courtship? 

Not necessarily. If you have known the person as a friend for years, or if you are both spiritually mature and have strong community support, 3 to 6 months can be sufficient. The key is clarity, not just the passage of time. If you have asked the hard questions and received the green light from God and counsel, there is no biblical requirement to wait arbitrarily.

Is dating for 3 years too long for a Christian? 

Generally speaking, yes. Dating for years without a commitment often indicates a lack of intention, a fear of commitment, or a lack of readiness. As per Proverbs 13:12, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” Furthermore, very long dating periods significantly increase the risk of sexual sin. If you have been dating for three years, you usually know the answer. It is time to either propose or break up.

What is the average length of Christian courtship? 

While there is no biblical statistic, most healthy Christian courtships I have observed land somewhere between 9 to 18 months. This usually provides enough time to see the person through all four seasons (holidays, stress, birthdays, ordinary days) without dragging on so long that purity becomes a struggle. This is a balanced answer to how long should Christian courtship last.

How do I know if I’m rushing it? 

You are rushing if you are hiding the relationship from your elders or parents. Isolation is the playground of the enemy. If you are moving fast but are doing so under the bright light of godly counsel and transparency, you are likely on safe ground.